"BUTT CLENCHING screams."

I'm sitting here very conscious of the fact that Kestan is looking over my shoulder, watching what I am writing, not caring to close her mouth when she snaps her gum even though she knows it's the worst pet peeve of mine. This time I feel I have cheated her a small victory by anticipating her arrival. Scent without the actual smell. That makes sense because I'M writing and I say it does. My first sign was laying in bed, checking out the latest amazing Pinterest craze, and I realized I hated EVERYTHING. Who hates everything on a single page of pinterest?! It's practically impossible. Thats when it hit me, I could sense she was coming. It was in the several octaves too high voice I was using lately. Some might call it yelling. It was in the sharpening nails motion. Kestan always chuckled and stepped back enough to crane her head sideways at me while letting her "OoOooOoo kitty has claws!!" line sliver out. I could literally sense my body setting up for a bloody and maming battle as she started her march to my castle. Little surges of Kestan style lines came spilling out of my mind; "I should totally make a 'WTFrick Were You Thinking' folder for Pinterest. And 'This Is Lame and So Are You For Liking It' folder." and "Idiots are surfing the web at this very moment pinning things other idiots would like in their Things Ugly Idiots Would Love club." after that brief moment it was like I had stopped and came up for a deep breath of reality check. I've been liking several short hair cuts, which is certainly a Kestan move, to sway my mind into whacking off my hair I've so painfully been working to grow out. I am also fairly certain the third time I awoke last night it was Kestan pulling her stupid lumpy self into bed, noisily to announce she had arrived and would surely be staying for a few days. I wonder if she had possibly already been here, and just waiting to reveal herself because she needs that sort of grandeur and notoriety. Thats why she chose a night I really needed sleep because I'd had very little the night before. It was definitely her that had turned the flame up under my temper, then pushed the vacuum over on top of me while I was sucking at the tiny crevices in the bathroom. It hit me square in the head. I attacked it with profanity and punched it. It danced around like it hadn't even hurt it, because it didn't have feelings, but it certainly had the personality of a little pompous FROG (you can look up what the slang for FROG is). Thankfully since the vacuum was on, and I was downstairs, no little ears had heard mommy's strange outburst. Just as a precaution, I ask that nobody bring around a cute fluffy puppy. Kestan might pop out and squeeze it a little too hard with cold calculating fingers because it's "so freaking cute". It might be accused as Criminal intent because she would throw her head back and cackle wildly, filling the air with her sinful being. Just no puppies, please. No puppies or cute THiNGS.
----------------------------------------

I have recently attended a GROWN UP party at a friend's house. It was so much fun. One of the ladies there commented to another that I must have girls because I walked in with a sense of calm on my face. Apparently ladies with boys are a little more high strung?! I laughed when she told me, then replied with this:

"Well don't forget about the shrieking, that can be pretty intense sometimes, especially when they start shrieking together attempting to out-do each other. Both of mine had started doing that the other day while I was vacuuming, and I could HEAR them OVER the vacuum! I looked over and saw Lillian facing away from me in just a diaper, and it was one of those BUTT CLENCHING screams. Ya know? REAL heart felt howling."

This was complete with one of those re-enactments where I stood feet in stout stance, pelvis forward, fists clenched, arms bent slightly upward so fists could have full power, mouth open praising sky, eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed. Full out scream mode. On mute of course. Quickly remembering I was at my first ever adult party, I blurted out an apology for being so abrasive and ridiculous.

"Ahh, I'm so sorry. That sounded bad, me talking about "butt clenching". I don't even know you!"

To which she replied: "Oh no, that's totally okay! It was nice to have some REAL talk here!"
Ok so it was cool, because she has kids too and knows what I mean.

I just forget that not everybody knows my personality or that I live for shock value lines. Or that I'm sort of abrasive and loose lipped when I have more than TWO drinks. Which is usually fun, if you're 19 without kids and tons of responsibility. But I'm a grown up, at a grown up party, and having to deal with grown up after math. I'm just so glad I have friends with good personalities and sense of humor. I would be a bored bored girl if I couldn't add pizzazz to my world with little commentaries!

I could tell I was having too much fun because I was going overboard on my high five limit. Later confirmed by Doug telling me I was 'possessed last night', I sat up, mumbled something, laid my head back down. He said he asked me what I said, I replied "Nothing." Then I repeated what I had originally said more clearly:

"Shake that dupa, thats a niiiice dupa. Shake that dupa, that's a NICE dupa!!!" and threw my head back into my pillow back to la la land.

Hahaha, Whaaaat? Dupa is Butt in portuguese, and I've opted to use that instead of "butt" simply because it sounds nicer when you're in public and you have to say "Sit on your dupa, NOW." And I know we didn't sing about shaking dupas. Duuuude...




This is how I found her one afternoon after nap time. Preceded later by diaper and paci for both naked girls. Man I wish I would make the time to upload pictures from my camera. Silly girls, ammo for later ;) She asked me if she looked like a baby Mowgli. To which I of course answered yes, laughing to myself.

She says the funniest things and has great comedic timing. I pulled out fast into traffic and a little voice behind me said "WHOAAA!!! Let's see how fast this baby can go!!!" hahah.




Here's my little rockstar, who will be TWO this weekend. Tear!!

-Kesolyn

P.S. Recently I've read Sarah's Key, which was great and I'd definitely recommend it. Room by Emma Donoghue was also good, hard to get into at first because it's written in the words of a five year old. I'm reading The Queen's Fool right now, but it's a cheat because I've loved the other books I've read by Philippa Gregory. She's written The Other Boleyn Girl. I read The Virgin's Lover too, and this is the third book that involves Queen Elizabeth in some way. It's interesting to me to really feel how it must truly have been in those days. So much deception, mind games,"virgins", heresy, death by orders. She's an amazing writer, and although her books are thoroughly researched before writing and contain some truth, it's still considered a novel, because shes written it as a story with obvious exaggeration. Even if it hadn't taken place long ago, I think she's pretty close to what it must have been like. I'm looking forward to reading Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series next! I like a little of everything, obviously! Something Borrowed is on my list. I feel so behind on that craze!


P.P.S. The second time I had woken up last night was because Addie had gotten into bed with me. I groggily looked over at her and heard a small plop noise, and she laid all the way down. The ceiling glowed blue. "Addie, stop playing with my phone!" It was like 3 in the morning!! Ahh!! Little terd!!

Just HIT HER BACK!!!

The dog has assumed her usual lazy disposition, and I decided I should blog about that. You wouldn't know that unless I wrote about it, as with most personal things that really don't matter. The thing is, it's on my favorite pillow that she's laying on. Let me phrase that differently, she's laying on my esthetically appealing beautiful white piece of heaven that gets it's own chair. Which wouldn't be a big deal, except I have ingrained in my head the special nickname Doug has adoringly come up with for her: PoopStain. Because she IS all white, except her back is a creamy yellow tint. So now there is a poop stain on the pillow nobody's allowed to play with. ARRGGHHH!! She's going to stink it up, I just know it. She's already tainted my sun worshipping expience here on my side walk just by being a dog. Have you ever smelled sun baked poop? (I know, I know, poop again. Turns out we did NOT cover ALL the ways poop has weaseled it's way into my day in the last post.) I think each person I add to our little family is going to continue to take little pieces of me until I'm a breakfast making, poop wiping, particle removing robot. But a QUEEN robot, nonetheless. Then when my youth is gone and I'm slightly pruney I'll be allowed to have myself back. Then I probably won't want myself and have an identity crisis because the kids will be grown and the best dog long dead, my husband still thinking I'm a ridiculously hot mess who is a nut case during "my time". (which by the way he also thinks I brood pure evil the days leading up, then bleed that evil out and return to normal. Psssh, thats a lie. I just don't take any crap from anyone and have no patience and need to be left alone for long periods of time so I don't start yelling again...that's ALL!!)

Where were we?

My baby has started preschool :( I just put a sad face, but I'm really happy about it and so is she. Her teacher adores her, says she can tell Addie will have her heart this year. That girl just be collecting EVERYone's hearts!! I think sometimes she pulls them out just to count and then puts them back in her lock box and hides them under her bed where she thinks nobody knows about or has ever thought about hiding any such secret things. Just for fun. So she gets to come home with new stories, and there're just a little less of "MOM! Lillian blah blah blah tattle tattle tattle..." to which I respond: "Well just HIT HER BACK!!" I think they need that break from each other sometimes. Lillian thinks about her the whole time, and about how much she actually likes having an older sister and how she should appreciate her more and hit a little less. Maybe I'm just putting words in her premature mouth.

Look at this bum:





She just COULDNT go on riding any more and even tried to con me into pulling her bike WHILE pushing LILLIAN in the STROLLER. Sure kid!! I told her not to be whiney and buck up and do her part. Do children always think of their ME? Yes you say? Ohhh okay, well that makes sense. After play time at the park, which was the prize for finishing her walk, the last bit was blocked off due to flooding damage. I could see my car!! It was a mile back the other way around the loop! NOOO!!! Tired, cranky, hot, hungry kids for a MILE that I didn't want to walk again?! Let me paint you a picture of what actually happened: A very lovely sweaty Keslyn pushing a red jogging stroller with two bumps on the logs who were fighting because Lillian didn't want Addie sitting at her feet. But Keslyn, where was the bike? ON THE DRINK/HANDLE BAR SECTION. But Keslyn, isn't that where your hands go? You had to hang onto the bike which was threatening to teeter your babies off balance and lift the stroller up if you didn't watch it carefully for a whole mile back? YES I said already! Gah! Don't you listen?! It makes me mad just talking about it...shut it already!!

Freezer meal swap!













I made chicken pot pie and blackbean turkey burgers. Except I made them both in one day, placed the chicken pot pies on the not yet frozen turkey burgers and it squished blood out, then froze that way. Negative presentation points for that. It took me an hour to just cut pretty leaves out as slits and flute it because there were six to make. That was the day I made a mistake in letting the girls sleep (yikes, til 5) so I could finish it in silence that was too loud. Let's just say bedtime was a little rough that night.

The other day things were pretty quiet too in the sun room, where Lillian was. When it's quiet and there's no destructive noise it can make a mom pretty suspicious. Why DO people choose to be silent when doing naughty things? It would make it a lot less suspicious if one were faking fun noises. I walked stealth mode with light feet and found she was shaking the pepper and salt shaker like a gluttonous foodie who enjoyed too much salt and pepper and was about to eat the TABLE for dinner. Lillian!!!! She jumped so big she almost fell off the chair, to which after I stabilized her I chuckled to myself because it's always funny when I surprise her. Hush-it's not mean to surprise your kids and laugh hautily afterwards!! Apparently that didn't shake her enough because she did it two more times even after getting a spanking and me deeming the whole act "Naughty", which is a word I KNOW she understands. Have you read the book If You Give A Cat A Cupcake? If you haven't read that to a child, you should. Really the whole If You Give A blah blah blah series is VERY adorable, especially the pictures. Anyways, Lillian was like the cat in that book. But instead of sprinkle shaker it was the salt/pepper shaker.




Ha!

I will finish with informing you how much I am needed around here. How absolutely vital I am here. How the world stops turning for 3 people if I were to simply stop existing. You get the point. The following are true stories about what Doug has truly said to me recently. Truly.

1.) "So I guess I'm fending for myself tonight?" he says.
"Sorry babe, I got caught up with dinner and the girls' plates so I didn't have time to make your lunch." I WARMLY reply.

2.) "I made you coffee." I sticky sweetly say.
"Let me guess, it's still in the pot?" he replies.
#=%49+^*8!!!!! My mouth agape. Mean eyes. Really?!?

"Yes Keslyn, you IS kind. You IS smart. You IS important."
(I am quoting The Help for those that don't know. And yes I know how to correctly use linking verbs!)

-Kesolyn

P.S. I feel it is VERY important to inform you I do NOT ever encourage to my children to hit!! Strictly for shock factor was that added!!

"Shut UP brain!" I yell, defensively.

I have been defeated once again by yeast.



As I sulk away from the kitchen to retreat into the path of shambles remaining from hurricane Lillian, I am slightly more depressed and frustrated. It is 3 pm and I am still in my now soiled pajamas...powder, crisco, and chocolate handprints cover everything I can see looking down, I don't dare turn around to see what my incapable hands have tried to hide back there. A baby cries in the distant, "Could it be mine?" I wonder. Only time will tell...

Well, you get the point. Ahh!! My beautiful rolls are hard as a rock! The dough I madly threw together for a second try promises to be lumpy. The only thing that seems to have gone right out of my kitchen today are the amazingly awesome granola bars. (insert cheesy grin and giant pat on the back



HERE is the recipe for those bad boys! Maybe not highly nutritional, but homemade deliciousness.

I am still trying to make sense of who I am now, as if bread troubles dictate my character and achievements. "Who are we? A 26 year old non-bread maker who sleeps next to a half man/half machine (sleep mask, very sexy), and still can't keep her almost 2 year old from throwing food on the floor in tantrum?"

"Shut UP brain!" I yell, defensively.

"Well? Did you make bread so you didn't have to go to the store? OH excuse me, I meant EATABLE bread...did you whip up roast beef for Doug's lunch too while you were at it? Or grow a fruit tree in your front yard so the kids wouldn't get constipated? Maybe if you concentrate really hard and chant a spell you can magically replace all of those ingredients you used the rest of today also. Take a shower while you're doing it, you're starting to ripen."

"I think your perseverance and will power are amazing! I just know you'll get it right one of these times!"

"Shut UP heart! Nobody even asked you!" I hiss. All because I wrestled with bread today!!


I have realized I am addicted to Glee. I mean, I have always been a Gleek since I've began watching it, but it's sort of getting out of hand. They've come up with an app for Glee where you can sing songs from the show...all for the low low price of 99 cents per song!! What a DEAL! I have spent probably close to fifteen dollars on the stupid app alone! We do NOT share that with Doug (sorry babe if you're reading this!). I can't explain myself, I truly love using all of my bandwidth each month belting my heart out to short clips. It's ingenious as far as money making goes. AND you get to sing with other suckers (I mean gleeks) if you want, how cool is that?! I get to ignore SO much that way every day while recording and re-recording...





How cute are they? Waiting outside Red Lobster (the crabfest is Ahh-mazing by the way!) to get in, she fought LilliBill to sit next to daddy, tucked her hand in the crook of his arm and settled right in. So sweet are little girls and their daddies!

I wish I could stare shamelessly like Lillian does. Countless times out in public she catches someone's attention by casting her doey eyes their way, with an intense "Everything is still in this perfect moment" sort of way. She literally has no shame, a simple sweet little unaffected mind. Until she hits you in the head with a bag of pancakes she found on the floor while mommy was cleaning out the fridge. "Lillian! Stop hitting your sister with the pancakes! Throw them away, goofus!" Aye, some things I thought I'd never say!

I'm off to pretend I know what I'm making for dinner and that I didn't just fail and break down because of bread. Haha! :)
-Kes

Dramamine that I so tenderly ministered...

It's been a while since my last post, I know this because the number of saved notes on my phone is pretty long. Laugh all you want ladies (and few brave men in the blogging world), but I now have subjects on ammunition ready to go!!

I will start this by the most obvious big event since last post-trip to Florida...without kids!! This was the biggest trip and first one we've taken alone since being married. Biggest and alone you say? Why yes, yes I did go there. I went there, stuck my feet in the sand/kelp mixture and came BACK!! I realize this has no pizazz whatsoever without the visual of my flamboyant head bobbing up and down, as I "Whip my hair back and forth" (Willow Smith, anyone? No? Ok.)

I don't feel like I even need to say how awesome the trip obviously was (except that I just did). The first day, however, Doug got seasick and Dramamine that I so tenderly ministered knocked him out for a good four hours. So momma planted her pasty butt on the beach and READ a book, by herself!! This was a dream of mine, nearly as dear as MLK's was to him. Except I didnt speak of equality and civil African American rights with my dream, but I did people watch. Have you ever people watched on a beach before? I almost feel theres a judgemental quality to it, and I know there's no such thing as a "perfect" body in the real world of real working people, but try telling my brain that. "Oh dear, does nobody love you enough to tell you you shouldn't wear a bikini any more?" And "when I'm a hundred like that, I hope I'm as carefree as that, just not caring and letting it all hang out, flapping in the wind." When I finally got my brain to shut up, Doug was feeling well enough to come down and he remarked "Look what grandma's doing with her new hip replacement!" except it really was so, you could tell by the scaring on her left thigh. We liked to make voices, pretend we were speaking for them about their life stories. Aye, such bad habits!! Hahaha.

I am dedicating this section to POOP. Theres really not a good way to fancy this subject up, and if there was, i still wouldn't use it, because poop doesn't deserve to be fancified. Even as a mom, I feel like I deal with it too much. I swear I'm not exaggerating when I say Lillian had a pooey diaper, as I was changing it Addie hopped on the pot and did her thing, after I took care of both and was on my way to throw away the diaper Addie exclaimed very loudly (because there's two volumes with this child, loud and extra loud) that Meelo had pooped behind daddy's favorite recliner. Awesome. Sick. It's as though all three of them are on the same bowel movement schedule. "That's all I have to say about that..."

I have had a few hearty laughs lately at Lillian, she's been SO opinionated and naughty lately, probably that terrible twos thing rolling in early...hanging over the house, casting an ugly and impatient shadow. I swear there's a Kestan in that child too. For real, Kestan's temper and patience...for those of you who didnt have the opportunity to read that post, Doug nicknamed my alter ego (who is a hairier, scarier, maltempered witchy version if myself when I'm tired/hungry/PMSing) Kestan. Which is Keslyn+Satan. You get the idea. This is the point where I should also interject the " We have a strong, witty, teasing relationship" and coming up with such banter is the equivalent of a big hug to us. Plus I am usually amused with such things. Back to the point! She was being particularly trying one day and giving me the daringly fierce stare, so I breathed "Get down and go to time out." very heavily into her face.



She did it! Hahahah...I didn't even know she knew what I meant, but shes seen Addie pay that price before! I so underestimated her! It took a few timeouts before she truly understood to STAY there.

Addie sang into a microphone her cousin had made for her out of tinker toys a very familiar song, tOhe lyrics were a little different! I wish I could upload it!! Her version was:

It's the corner after one
I'm all alone and I need you now
It's the corner after one
I'm having trouble with my phone
And I need you now

Over and over! I laughed quietly while filming it!! Ammunition for her wedding reception? Ha...

Since being home, little pieces of FL have been peeling off of me :/ This reminds me of the week before when I had decided to exfoliate and put.on a thick layer of clear facial mask. When it had dried, I walked into the living room and stood in front of Addie's cartoon and started to peel it off screaming "Ow...OW...OWW OWW OWW!!!" as I pulled off bigger pieces walking toward her, big painful eyes. Bahaha aha....I've never seen her wig out in an intense situation, but now I know she'd freeze in terror just like I do!! She reared her whole body back and up like she was climbing the couch like a mutated slug descendant, flipping her little hand up and down at me "OH!! Mom I don't like it! Don't take your face off!"

And in case you are in need of a pick me up because you might suck at everything and hearing someone else's failure would make you smile:




Aren't these the ugliest rolls you've ever seen? Active yeast and I have a hate-hate relationship, I can never make bread right, of ANY kind...which stinks because I love LOVE homemade bread!!

For those of you that have been following my book search, I read Firelight and The One That I Love. They're decent reads, the first mentioned is a little fantasy-ish and first in a series, I might read the next just to find out what happens to the main character. I hate unfinished series!! I'm off to pick up a book the library just called to let me know they have in, should I be this excited to go read a book on the holocaust? It's a highly recommended and sought after book, Sarah's Key! Pizza/movie night, woo!!




Last one-Doug impatiently waiting for the first batch of ice cream in the new ice cream maker! It's not a salt ice kind, a weird one you can even make gelato with?

-Kesolyn

P.S. Thank you to everyone who helped me celebrate my birthday, it always reminds me what great family and friends I have!!